If Great Danes Had Jobs…

If Great Danes Had Jobs…

By Jessie Hillebrand, RMGDRI Volunteer

Have you ever looked at your Great Dane and thought, "There's absolutely no way you'd survive a normal workday"?

We have too.

After meeting hundreds of Danes through Rocky Mountain Great Dane Rescue, we've come to the conclusion that while Great Danes may not be ideal employees, they certainly have very specific career aspirations. Their resumes may be questionable, but their confidence is unmatched.

Here are the professions we believe Great Danes were born to pursue.

Professional Couch Tester

Great Danes take furniture quality control very seriously. Every couch, recliner, bed, loveseat, bean bag, and freshly vacated seat requires immediate inspection.

Job Duties:

• Testing all cushions for maximum comfort

• Conducting surprise seat takeovers the moment a human stands up

• Determining whether one dog can occupy 95% of a king-size bed (spoiler alert: yes)

• Evaluating couches by dramatically flopping onto them from three feet away

Performance Review:

⭐ Works nights, weekends, and holidays

⭐ Believes all furniture is company property

⭐ Filed a formal complaint when offered a dog bed

⭐ Frequently exceeds weight limits without concern

Personal Space Consultant

Your Dane is committed to ensuring you're never alone. Ever.

Not in the kitchen. Not in the bathroom. Not while folding laundry. Not while trying to put on pants.

Job Duties:

• Following clients from room to room

• Standing directly in doorways

• Leaning 150 pounds of affection onto unsuspecting humans

• Providing bathroom security services

• Supervising every household activity whether assistance is needed or not

Performance Review:

⭐ Extremely dedicated

⭐ Sometimes too dedicated

⭐ Has never heard of boundaries

⭐ Confused by the concept of closed doors

Home Security Supervisor

Leaves, squirrels, delivery drivers, and suspicious lawn ornaments are all treated as potential threats.

No danger goes unnoticed. Sometimes danger doesn't even exist, but that won't stop a Dane from reporting it.

Job Duties:

• Barking at suspicious activity

• Monitoring neighborhood squirrel operations

• Alerting family members when someone three houses away closes a car door

• Conducting nightly perimeter checks from the living room window

Performance Review:

⭐ Excellent perimeter awareness

⭐ Alerts household before threat actually arrives

⭐ Takes lawn ornament surveillance very seriously

⭐ Needs improvement distinguishing intruders from grocery bags, vacuum cleaners, and Christmas decorations

Professional Food Inspector

Every meal deserves a thorough review. Pizza, sandwiches, snacks, popcorn, and even empty plates are subject to inspection.

Inspection Methods:

• Intense staring

• Strategic drooling• Resting chin on table edge

• Appearing from nowhere the moment cheese is opened

• Sighing dramatically if ignored

Performance Review:

⭐ Never misses a quality-control opportunity

⭐ Strong believer in "sharing is caring"

⭐ Frequently attempts unauthorized taste tests

⭐ Believes counters are merely elevated buffet tables

Professional Zoomie Coordinator

Most dogs get the zoomies.

Great Danes turn them into a full-contact sporting event.

Hallways become racetracks. Furniture becomes obstacles. Humans become unwilling participants.

Performance Review:

⭐ Elite speed

⭐ Limited braking ability

⭐ Strong commitment to chaos

⭐ Occasionally forgets they weigh 150 pounds

⭐ OSHA has declined to comment

Professional Blanket Thief

You may start the night with a blanket.

You will not end the night with a blanket.

Scientists remain baffled by how a single dog can steal every blanket while remaining completely covered and asleep.

Performance Review:

⭐ Outstanding resource acquisition skills

⭐ Leaves humans questioning their life choices

⭐ Believes sharing is a one-way policy

⭐ Somehow manages to steal pillows too

Chief Happiness Officer

Despite questionable workplace habits, Great Danes excel at one job: making people smile.

Their credentials include sloppy kisses, ridiculous sleeping positions, surprise cuddle sessions, and a remarkable ability to turn ordinary moments into unforgettable memories.

Daily Responsibilities:

❤️ Providing unconditional love

❤️ Offering emotional support

❤️ Stealing your seat and then looking offended when you want it back

❤️ Making bad days better

❤️ Reminding you that life is more fun when you're a little ridiculous

Performance Review:

⭐ Happiness impact: immeasurable

⭐ Productivity impact: debatable

⭐ Employee of the Month: every month

⭐ Deserves a raise in treats

Looking for Your Next Co-Worker?

At Rocky Mountain Great Dane Rescue, we have Danes of every personality type - from Couch Testers and Security Supervisors to Blanket Thieves and Professional Leaners.

We'll help you find the perfect four-legged employee. Just be prepared for mandatory supervision, surprise lap-sitting demonstrations, occasional furniture theft, and the eventual transfer of couch ownership.

Because when you adopt a Great Dane, you're not just getting a dog.

You're hiring a full-time assistant who has absolutely no respect for personal space, questionable qualifications, and an unlimited supply of love.